What is loneliness and how can I connect?
Loneliness is common.
People suffering fibromyalgia often tell me they feel lonely.
Familiar?
Only you feel can your symptoms.
This can feel lonely.
People don’t seem to understand, even though they want to in the case of loved ones.
This can lead to tension.
Or keeping quiet.
Many tell me they have stopped talking about it because they don’t want to be a bore.
“I sound like a broken record.”
“Even I am bored of telling people.”
We have a need to connect
Anything that disconnects you from others hurts.
You are designed to connect.
To feel accepted and loved unconditionally.
Who you hang out with matters.
Including the people who are supporting you on your journey — i.e./ healthcare professionals.
Think how it feels when someone listens.
You feel heard.
There is a connection.
This is a boost for wellness.
Felt in the body.
Your energy lifts.
Quality and not quantity
It doesn’t matter how many people you know.
The quality of connection is what matters.
You can feel entirely connected with one friend.
And entirely lonely with 100 who do not listen.
Loneliness is basic biology
Loneliness feels bad because it is basic biology in action.
Being separated from the group was a deadly concern back in the day.
Being in the group, you were protected.
To be disconnected is threatening and you move into a state of alert.
At a cellular level, it is inflammatory.
Inflammation sensitises and underpins the sickness response, which is felt as many of the symptoms of fibromyalgia: e.g./ aches and pains, fatigue, brain fog, stomach upset, various sensitivities, mood changes, lack of motivation, disrupted sleep.
Perceived loneliness
You have all sorts of experiences in life.
What you experience is unique to you.
It is generated by your body systems that have been shaped by all your experiences to date.
You can call this learning.
The important point about loneliness is it must be perceived by you.
As I said above, quality not quantity.
You can be surrounded by many, but perceive loneliness because there is no connection.
You can be accompanied by a few and feel satisfied in your connection.
This is individual.
The key is perception because if you perceive loneliness, it seems your body systems switch into a pro-inflammatory state at a gene level.
This makes sense biologically.
If you are alone and become unwell or injured, you need inflammation to kick in and heal so you can survive.
If you are in a group, your systems are in an anti-viral state.
This makes sense because now your systems are ready to deal with viruses that are readily passed between people in close proximty.
Space to make changes
Something happens.
You become aware and respond.
These are different.
The former you have no control over.
The latter you do.
This is where you can be skilful.
How you respond.
There are many skills and strategies you can learn and practice.
These are the steps to making life better.
Asking yourself questions helps you to focus.
To focus on what you want and where you are going so you don’t get distracted.
For example,
- who can I connect with now?
- what can I say?
- how can I connect?
There is another practice that can help.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion practices are a way to be mindful, to be wise and to self-care.
It is fundamental for building health and wellbeing, having wide ranging positive effects.
Here are the steps for one of the practices.
- be present by taking a few slower breaths.
- acknowledge how you are feeling — this is how you are feeling right now.
- remind yourself that suffering is a shared human experience — everybody suffers for different reasons because it is part of life. You are not alone, literally.
- choose some way to meet your needs or self-soothe — what makes you feel better? Who can you talk to? Listen to? What lifts your energy?
See Week 8 of Fibromyalgia 28 for more on self-compassion.
See you tomorrow.
r.s.
More resources:
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