A key skill to ease the symptoms and suffering from fibromyalgia
There are key skills that I consider important to follow your path towards your goals and aspirations.
Self-compassion is one of them.
Why?
Because of the state that the practice of self-compassion creates.
Can you think of a time when someone showed you compassion?
How did you feel?
3 flows of compassion
- you to someone else
- someone else to you
- you to you
An interesting experiment is to think about each flow and score yourself out of 10 for each. 10 means very comfortable, 1 would be very uncomfortable.
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Most people are very comfortable showing other people caring concern.
But less comfortable receiving and even less showing themselves compassion.
What happens when you practice compassion and self-compassion?
This is a common form of meditation called metta.
Or loving-kindness.
The practice cultivates the compassionate mind, meaning you see the world through this lens.
With care, concern, understanding, clarity, calm, peace, and balance.
How does that sound?
A way of meeting what happens.
Because life just happens. It turns up without you having to do a thing!
Have you noticed?
A key insight: it’s not what’s happening as much as how you relate that matters…
In other words, you have no control over the way life turns up. But you can be very skilful at how you relate and respond.
Self-compassion is a practice that enables this skilful response, reducing stress, easing suffering and pain.
what is compassion?
Compassion is not feeling sorry for people or yourself.
Professor Paul Gilbert defines suffering as sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.
Compassion takes courage, caring, empathy and wisdom to name a few characteristics.
Can you think of someone you know or know of who you believe to be compassionate?
For example, I think of Thich Nhat Hanh.
What characteristics do they show in their way of being?
Courage is necessary to sit with someone who is suffering.
Wisdom is to understand that the way you think, or the way another person is thinking, emerges from their (embodied) mind, which they did not choose.
No-one chooses their mind and how it is shaped by their up-bringing and society. No-one chooses who they are.
Yet, you can take responsibility, and come to understand your mind and practice to be well for yourself and others.
We are not separate from each other.
the self-critic
We all have a self-critic.
It is not useful and can often be unkind.
The self-critic can block you and limit your progress.
Self-compassion is the antidote.
You can learn to meet those critical thoughts with balance and calm and understanding, letting them be.
Then you realise that they pass by, as do all thoughts and feelings.
Their grip and impact lessens and you suffer less.
Any form of stress or inner angst can cause your symptoms to increase.
Hence, a skill to let such thoughts pass by without following them, means you create the conditions for your symptoms to ease.
two arrows
There are two arrows.
The first arrow is the suffering caused by the pain.
The second arrow is the suffering caused by the way you relate to the pain.
The second arrow we can immediately remove.
And this allows the suffering of the first to ease as well.
This is why understanding both pain and the way you think is key to overcoming your pain.
Self-care is not selfish…it is key for getting better
One of the reasons self-compassion is a key skill is because you practice self-care.
The only one who can truly look after you and meet your needs is you.
Getting better requires support and guidance, but you have to take the steps.
This means prioritising you.
Many people are uncomfortable with this because they have the belief that this is selfish.
This belief was installed by someone else who had such a belief.
Fundamentally it is wrong.
But I have to look after others and put them first….
You can only care for others if you are caring for yourself.
How can you care for others if you are suffering?
practices
Metta
This is a common compassion and self-compassion practice.
- Sitting upright and relaxed, or in a comfortable position where you can concentrate.
- Close your eyes and take a couple of slower breaths to be present.
- Bring someone to mind who you care about and notice how you feel.
- Think about the fact that we all suffer in life and this is a shared experience.
- The person you have in mind suffers. How do you feel? This is compassion.
- Now repeat these phrases of well wishing:
- May you be safe
- May you be healthy
- May you be happy
- Continue repeating them with intent, sending your caring concern to that person.
- Start by doing this for 30 seconds or a minute. You can do it as long as you like, but setting the bar low means you are more likely to practice. And practice is key to getting results.
- Now turn you attention to yourself and repeat:
- May I be safe
- May I be healthy
- May I be happy
- Notice how you feel, but don’t worry if you don’t feel much.
- The fact that you are practicing is what matters.
- This is a daily practice.
Meeting challenging moments
There are many skills you can use to meet challenging moments.
This is one grounded in self-compassion.
- Notice and recognise how you are feeling — I am suffering
- Remember that everyone suffers; this is a shared human experience, it is part of life and you are not alone. This will pass, no matter how intense.
- Now you can practice self-compassion by repeating phrases: e.g./ may I be strong, may I be patient, may I be free from suffering (this sets your intent and creates the conditions for your body systems to switch from a protect state to a calmer state).
- Then practice self-care: what can you do to take care of yourself? e.g./ take a break, have a cup of coffee, sit outside, listen to music.
There are many skills and strategies you can learn, these being some of the common ones I share with people I see for Pain Coaching.
I hope that is helpful.
See you tomorrow.
r.s.
other resources:
🚚 My daily newsletter to understand and overcome pain: https://open.substack.com/pub/richmondstace
📖 My book, Understand and Overcome your Chronic Pain: https://amzn.eu/d/hJm0hdG
🎥 Pain in the Person ~ two short films: https://youtu.be/zidJbZHEGzM
🎙️ Podcast: https://youtu.be/nEa3UHb0Gos?si=QZuvP9541jzLz0UT